Every day my boss brings in edamame. Every day he says, “Don’t steal my edamame!” Fact: I have never stolen his edamame. I have never stolen anyone’s edamame. Also, I don’t eat food that is not mine.

All of the down in my comforter has migrated to one side. No, it’s not moved from the top to the bottom. It’s moved from the left to the right. I don’t know either.

Heat pumps are the worst invention ever. In fact, they should be called tepid air pumps. There is no heat. My house is never warm. I mean, sure, the thermostat says 65, but it is not warm.

I’ll bet I can return the fan to storage now.

I’m pretty sure that I just agreed to go apple picking to celebrate a friend’s birthday. Apple picking? I don’t even like apples all that much.

Well, except with cheese. Mmm. Cheese.

Funniest IM line of the week: “brb I have to yell at someone”