A friend of mine sent me an e-mail last week; he asked me how I was. I haven't answered.

Right now, it's a difficult question for me to answer.

I stopped taking my medications about 2 months ago. If you'll recall, right before I left Raleigh my Dr. told me that he didn't think I had bipolar disorder after all and "had just been having some emotional problems." Then he gave me enough prescriptions to last me 5 months. So, they ran out, I hadn't found (or bothered to even look for) another doctor. I just stopped taking them.

I was fine for about a month. Then things started getting stressful, I started not being able to sleep, and things just spiraled downward. I no longer wanted to be. That's the state I get to- I don't want to die, I just want to cease to exist.

It took me a while to admit that that's where I was, but my friends helped me find a doctor. The doctor fit me in right away, I'm back on my meds, and I quit the thing that was causing me the most stress. I'm starting to feel better; I feel like I'm climbing back out of the hole. The days are still mostly black, but there are some periods of color.

I suppose the anser to the question is: I was bad. I'm still not good, but it's getting better.