Things kind of spiraled yesterday and I’m a bit upset. Not like crying upset, but really bummed out upset. It’s also one of those situations where I’m bothered by the fact that I’m upset, so it’s compounded.

I’m supposed to go to a birthday party for a friend tonight, and I’d rather skip it. Now, the reason I’d rather skip it is one of the things upsetting me, and I also know that not going won’t actually solve the problem.

One of the things that happened yesterday was that I got an e-mail inviting me back to Raleigh for a specific event. Now, I happen to love this event, but my overwhelming reaction? I don’t want to go. Why? Because I may run into people that I never want to see again. Mind you, I’ll run into many more people that I do want to see again, but that wasn’t my first reaction. (Sidenote: The person who sent the e-mail told me that they could find me a place to stay- they’ve got some comped hotel rooms. I wanted to respond with, “Dude. I still have friends there. Some of them might even let me crash at their places.”)

Here’s the deep part: this reinforces that I would rather run away than deal with my problems. I am much less stressed out by the idea of starting a new life somewhere (actually, that is exciting!) than by the idea of just letting go or dealing with issues. Which, is probably not healthy. And I have to force myself to deal.

Mostly because, once you’ve run away to New Zealand, where is there to go?