Right now, I am very self-conscious. I feel like people are talking about me and laughing. (My therapist: Actually, you're not that important.) Yet, at the same time, I am also strangely brave about things. Jumping? Which I swore I would never do again? Which I started yesterday, on a lark, partially because Solie likes jumping? (Since when do I make decisions based upon what the horse likes?) Which I am also doing, and looking forward to, today?

I had a dream last night that I was at a meeting for the civic group I belong to. They made me get up and sing (I do not sing in public)- in fact, I was given a newspaper and had to make up a song about what was in the paper. The boy was there (he's also a member of this group). I never saw him, but I heard him laughing at me. I so hate my subconscious.

Part of me wants to call him, to talk to him about why. I know that I won't get any satisfaction from that. Part of the reason I am so bothered by this is that I will have run into him again. I was hoping he'd show up at the meeting Tuesday, but he couldn't even do that for me. (Yes, I realize he didn't know that was expected.) Right now, I can barely keep from crying. "How are you?" makes me well up. And I don't want to cry when I see him. And I don't know what to do about it.

Oh, and the wanting to talk to him? That's why I'm keeping his tent. I'm hoping that it will make him talk to me. Which, again, is stupid.