The answer is yes. Saturday I hit the mall with 2.0. I needed to replace my watch (the stainless coating was flaking off. That's OK for a $55 watch I've had for 4 years.). I ended up spending the most I have ever spent on a watch- it's a Seiko, but it was 50% off.

I have to go to a wedding party (they eloped in May) on the 16th. I was told the dress is "dressy casual". Which, wha? I decided I would wear a skirt. I went out to Target on Sunday and decided, "I'll just run into Marshall's and see what they have." What they had was a lovely jersey skirt in a black and white print with a gorgeous drape. Add a black Old Navy shell, and voila! My version of dressy casual.

The shell is shape-hugging, and also black, which meant I needed a new bra- all of my black ones are lacy, not smooth-cupped. So, we hit Vicky's this morning. I bought a black bra in a style I already own- I know I like it and that it's comfortable. (Thus concludes the part where you learn just a little too much about my foundation undergarments.)

I will wear said outfit with my sexy black pumps.

Yesterday I also went to Home Depot, where I bought air filters, a rasp, and a new dimmer switch. The rasp was for opening up a hole in the door to the storage shed. I've been working on replacing the knob for weeks, but the new knob did not fit into the hole that the old knob had. So, I used the rasp to make the hole bigger, and locked the shed finally!

Then I was so excited I went to install the new dimmer switch. I was extremely confident I could do it. I was also extremely wrong. I don't have lights in the dining room.

The boy is coming to help.

This week:

Yesterday I drove out to Charlotte. Today I drove back. Tomorrow I am in the office. Friday and Saturday I am camping with Jenny.

Next week:
Monday afternoon I leave for Atlanta. Thursday afternoon I come back. Friday night I babysit the Boo. Saturday is a wedding celebration/housewarming party.

The week after that
Meeting in Charlotte on Monday.

Am important, career-type person. (Also, camping!)

The boy dumped me. Because I have cats. Which he is allergic to. But he knew I had them before he asked me out.

FUCK!

First, I would like to that 2.0 and The Cap'n for having me to dinner, and Cdub, who I just called, for saying, "I'll be right over."

Me: No, it's OK. 2.0 and The Cap'n fed me and gave me lots of alcohol.
Cdub: But you're still crying, so I'm coming.

I would like to also state for the record that I do not hate the cats. I hate the situation.

I also do no believe the boy. I think he is lying, about what I don't know, but I think him a liar. And if he were here right now I would break his nose. Am also angry!

Anyway, the point of this post. I have a checkered dating history. Not much in college/grad school. Too focused on the future. If I could go back and change that, I would. Because I feel like I missed my shot, and now I'm stuck. I love my new job, and feel like I have an actual career, but I don't think it's what will make me happy in the end.

Checkered? Yes. Well, remember how I was completely gutted a year ago? I've dated since then, been hurt, but the boy was the first guy I'd felt really comfortable with since MW- the first one I could really be me with.

I hate dating. Abhor it. Hate trying to sell myself to someone. At the same time, I do not want to spend the rest of my life alone. Yet, I'm feeling more and more like that will be the way it will go. I'm frustrated. I'm tired of being hurt. I don't know if I can do it anymore.

Yes, I am lucky. I have good friends. I have siblings who would do anything for me, including Randy, who really doesn't have to. But I am so tired of this, so tired of feeling like there is something wrong with me.

I just want a "home".

I am now looking forward to what is likely temporary duty (TDY) in Gainesville. I had first heard this mentioned about a week after I started, and agreed to it, as it would really get my foot in the door. It had not resurfaced again until Thursday. I had been out in Charlotte Tuesday and Wednesday for training, and the guy who trained us is out of Gainesville. He was talking to my boss on Thursday, and mentioned that he'd heard that I be coming down earlier than anticipated. I had heard nothing of this. We are trying to figure out when, so that we can work out the details.

My boss is very concerned with working out the details. Why? Because during a conversation about work travel, I told him about my bipolar disorder. He was very understanding, and has assured me that we can work it out in a way that will make it as easy on me as possible.

I still think I'll need to find a foster home for the cats. The deployment may be for six months, and I don't think it's fair to them that they live essentially alone for that long.

It's a good opportunity, and I think I've learned enough from moving down here that I won't spend six months in a strange city with no friends.

I hear Gainesville is lovely.

So, here's a fun practical joke to play on me. (The downside is it takes a while to pan out.) When your son is very little, take a trip to TX. Borrow my suitcase. Leave teeny tiny hats, socks, and even a diaper cover in one of the pockets, so that I find them when unpacking in my hotel room, nearly a year later.

I was baffled for a few moments, until I remembered lending 2.0 my bag. I called her, and when I told her what I had found, she said, "I want those back!" Me: "I didn't steal them, you know."

To answer some questions left by my last post: Gainesville, FL. Not quite sure how we will be doing it, but it looks like it will be from December- April. Note to company: Am not spending my birthday in Gainesville.

Doxie has never mentioned it, so I assume she lives in a magical part of town.

This trip has been good. It has reassured me that the PM I've been working for does not, in fact, hate me. (I am still paranoid after my last job. Eventually, that should go away.) I've gotten to know him and another co-worker (they work out of another office) better, and I think our working relationship will be all the better for that.

All that, and Trenching/Excavation safety!

or, as it is more accurately called, "babbling". About unrelated things

1. Karen's entry today struck a chord with me (not the podcasting part). It's something I need to remember, a saying I need to own. (Sidenote: I want a Superhero necklace. Chlorine, please.) Maybe a mantra I chant, to remind myself to let things be? A sign I put up in my cube? (The cube, it needs decorating.) On the fridge, definitely.

2. I was talking to TRgirl tonight about how I am thinking about switching therapists. For a long time, my therapist has been fixated on my need for cleanliness and order. Which, yes, I like things neat and clean, but vacuuming twice a week when I have two cats is not ridiculous. She had the insight that perhaps we are now working on things that I am uncomfortable with. This is true- what we are currently working on is uncomfortable. Uncomfortable because I am doing what I need to do for me, but it is causing me to feel guilty. About things I should not feel guilty about, but I do. Sometimes doing what I need to do for me is difficult because of this. I'm not sure exactly how to handle it.

3. I think that I learn something from every guy I've dated. Recently, I learned not to tell them about the blog, because then when you break up with them, they can read it every day for 3 months. Which is kinda freaky. The most recent allowed me to face something that's been kicking around in the back of my mind for a while now- something tough, something I didn't want to think about, but something I needed to confront. (He's still a jackass, though.)

4. Why does my iPod insist on all the Sarah McLachlan?
   

I had a good time in Atlanta. I learned a lot in the training and got to know two co-workers better. But for me, the best part was that I got to be Cool Career Chick. Wake up call! Read the paper over coffee in the hotel lobby. Work. Hit the hotel gym. Dinner, out, with beverages!

In Atlanta, I felt at peace. I felt things were where they were supposed to be.

I got on the plane to come back, and I could feel the anger and rage building. The flight was delayed, and I realized that no one knew or cared when I was supposed to land. On my way to a meeting, I cried in the car. (I do most of my crying in the car. I do not know why.)

I see myself differently at home. I don't see myself as successful, or cool, or interesting. I am all of those things when I travel. I think that's why I am looking forward to Gainesville. I get to be a better version of me.

Yesterday: Ordered new living room furniture. This will be the first new couch I have ever owned.

Today: Bought 1.75L of Barbados Rum and 1.75L of Skyy Vodka at a liquor store in South Carolina. At 9:30. AM.

Charlotte: Close to South Carolina. And their lax liquor laws. (Compared to here, anyway.)

PM: The rep for those pumps is Michael Knight.
WG: Does he drive a black Trans Am?
PM: Huh?

Dear Wilo EMU,

I know you are a German company, and it is thus completely understandable that your main web page is in German. But you really should have a talk with whomever translated the pages into English (which appeared to be in-house), because, well, Unterwasserpumpen is not, in fact, English. (I suggest "submersible pump")

Watergirl

I had a good session today. We talked about the boy and other stuff, and how all the stuff is related. I am hurt right now, and I have been trying to rationalize it into not being hurt. That won't work.

So, I'm going to be hurt, knowing that it is magnified by other things, things I carry with me. I also know the hurt will end, but by allowing myself to feel it now, I can let all of it go.

Guess what I did for the first time since the accident?

I jumped!

I liked it!

Right now, I am very self-conscious. I feel like people are talking about me and laughing. (My therapist: Actually, you're not that important.) Yet, at the same time, I am also strangely brave about things. Jumping? Which I swore I would never do again? Which I started yesterday, on a lark, partially because Solie likes jumping? (Since when do I make decisions based upon what the horse likes?) Which I am also doing, and looking forward to, today?

I had a dream last night that I was at a meeting for the civic group I belong to. They made me get up and sing (I do not sing in public)- in fact, I was given a newspaper and had to make up a song about what was in the paper. The boy was there (he's also a member of this group). I never saw him, but I heard him laughing at me. I so hate my subconscious.

Part of me wants to call him, to talk to him about why. I know that I won't get any satisfaction from that. Part of the reason I am so bothered by this is that I will have run into him again. I was hoping he'd show up at the meeting Tuesday, but he couldn't even do that for me. (Yes, I realize he didn't know that was expected.) Right now, I can barely keep from crying. "How are you?" makes me well up. And I don't want to cry when I see him. And I don't know what to do about it.

Oh, and the wanting to talk to him? That's why I'm keeping his tent. I'm hoping that it will make him talk to me. Which, again, is stupid.

(Note: it doesn't sleep with me.)

Friday night, I had Little Matty, his wife, and CP over for dinner. (Rosemary chicken. Yum!) Best conversation:

WG: So, it's like I fell and hit my head or something. First I decide to start jumping again, and then after jumping, I decide that a McDonald's cheeseburger sounds good. (For those of you new around here, I haven't eaten a hamburger in about 20 years. I don't like them.)
Little Matty: Are you pregnant?
WG: God, I hope not.
CP: Was it good?
(silence)
Mrs. Little Matty: We all want to know the answer to that one.

Saturday, I went to pick up my rental car. (Am leaving for Charlotte at o'dark thirty tomorrow, and the rental place is not open on Sundays.) I walk in, and the clerk says, "We've got a RAV 4 headed over here for you." This was fortuitous, as I was helping Ali move that morning.

I love the RAV 4. Want one. But it now looks like it will be a while before I replace my car.

Saturday night, hung out at a local "Irish" pub with some friends.

Came home, went to bed at 2.

Awakened at 3:30 by microwave, which has decided to cycle through its "AutoCook" options. While beeping. Loudly.

I made it stop, but it happened twice more (3:45 and 4:00). The second time, I had to go trip the breaker to make it stop.

Did I mention my breaker box is outside?

I'm back from Charlotte. With way too much work. And I am going back next week. And the week after.

I have somewhat nailed down the Gainesville schedule. Three of us will be spending 2 weeks there, a week at home, lather, rinse, repeat. From December until February.

I think I just need to line up many cat sitters.

I am off to bed- the second night in a row that I am retiring before 9:30.

Tomorrow, first appointment with the new shrink. He's a PA and PhD Psychologist. I'm a little nervous.

So, the appointment today? I don't know. First of all, this is a reschedule- he decided that he wasn't working on the day my first appointment was scheduled. Today, I sat around for 30 minutes after my scheduled appointment time. I hate that. My time is also valuable. So, I met with him, we talked for 15 minutes, and he changed my meds- different formula on my antidepressant, upping the dose of Lamictal (Phoebs, you should go to med school.).

I see him again in a month. If he's late or cancels, I'm finding a new doctor.

Oh, and I filled the new prescription today. On the bottle is a sticker that says, "Take with or without food." I had no idea that there might be another choice.

My landlord went to look at the microwave yesterday. He called me to let me know that the back door had been left open. (My back door, it does not like to close.) He said, 'But it's OK. Both cats are in the living room."

He called back to tell me he could find nothing wrong with the microwave. I said, "Of course you can't. It doesn't happen right away."

I came home, and discovered why the cats were in the living room. (Jasper: Actually, you had been home for a half-hour and walked past it 3 times. I had to sit by the mouse to show you.)

The microwave woke me up at 1AM.